After wandering along the lane for two hours, giving way to every variety of thought―re-considering events, determining probabilities, and reconciling herself, as well as she could, to a change so sudden and so important, fatigue, and a recollection of her long absence, made her at length return home; and she entered the house with the wish of appearing cheerful as usual, and the resolution of repressing such reflections as must make her unfit for conversation.
She grew absolutely ashamed of herself.Of neither Darcy nor Wickham could she think without feeling she had been blind, partial,prejudiced,absurd.
When she came to that part of the letter in which her family were mentioned in terms of such mortifying, yet merited reproach,her sense of shame was severe.The justice of the charge struck her too forcibly for denial,and the circumstances to which he particularly alluded as having passed at the Netherfield ball, and as confirming all his first disapprobation, could not have made a stronger impression on his mind than on hers.
She perfectly remembered everything that had passed in conversation between Wickham and herself,in their first evening at Mr.Phillips's.Many of his expressions were still fresh in her memory. She was now struck with the impropriety of such communications to a stranger, and wondered it had escaped her before. She saw the indelicacy of putting himself forward as he had done,and the inconsistency of his professions with his conduct.She remembered that he had boasted of having no fear of seeing Mr.Darcy―that Mr.Darcy might leave the country,but that he should stand his ground;yet he had avoided the Netherfield ball the very next week. She remembered also that,till the Netherfield family had quitted the country,he had told his story to no one but herself;but that after their removal it had been everywhere discussed;that he had then no reserves, no scruples in sinking Mr. Darcy's character, though he had assured her that respect for the father would always prevent his exposing the son.